21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves

Introduction  

Someone once said (I'm not sure, but I think it might have been my mother!), that a newborn baby is the only new product on the market today that leaks at both ends, and yet we can't take it back. Even though we can't, all of us have probably at one time or another wanted to do just that. Like it or not-and I believe that it is perfectly normal to not like it at times-we all have the honor, responsibility, and privilege of taking a "new product" that is far from perfect, far from complete, and applying our influences to create a healthy, responsible, productive human being. No instruction manual comes with this new and incomplete product, and much of the time we may feel like we are on our own to complete the assembly process.

There are many qualities and characteristics that a new born baby does not have that we parents are assigned the task of developing and creating.  To name just a few: self control, independence, healthy self esteem, values, morals, and an attitude of responsibility. Because we are our parents, it is our responsibility to make sure that these and many other qualities and characteristics are in place and activated in their lives before they leave our home and our care.  Accomplishing all that is required of us parents to complete our, “unfinished product” is what this study guide is all about.

Here you will find no easy answers, no simple solutions. In fact, you might even at times be frustrated since you will be encouraged to look more at yourself and your attitudes as a parent, than at your kids and their behaviors. I cannot assure that all of your questions will be answered, or that everything you need to know in order to raise great kids will be found here. But I can assure you that in this study guide for raising great kids, you will read about a great many ideas that will help you in your task and your responsibility of being the best parent to your kids you can possibly be.

I can hear the skeptics now. Yeah right! All I have to do is follow the Recipe found in this guy's book and all my fears and problems as a   parent will cease to exist! Nothing, the skeptic may think, can be that easy!

The skeptics are right. Nothing-especially being the kind of parent our kid’s need-can possibly be that easy. There are no simple formulas that will take the place of good old fashion hard work and sacrifice. The point of PARENTING WITH AN ATTITUDE is not to make parenting easy, but rather to just make good parenting a possibility. As parents entering the twenty first century, we desperately need a fighting chance in helping our kids grow up to be healthy and emotionally prosperous adults. The competition against being successful at our task of parenting has never been greater; in some ways, the odds have never been so stacked against us.

PARENTING WITH AN ATTITUDE will help bring the odds of being successful parents back to our favor. Mistakes will still be made (I know that all too well first hand), but if you consider what is suggested here then your chances of succeeding at your goal of raising great and emotionally healthy kids will be enhanced, even though mistakes will still be made along the journey).

Developing self esteem in our kids
A core issue in raising great and healthy kids is self-esteem. I know this term is often over used and misused. The fact is though, that kids who grow up having a clear and well balanced estimate of their worth and value have a much better shot at growing up healthy and well-adjusted. Likewise, kids who are constantly wondering where they fit-if indeed they fit at all-will have a more difficult time coping with the many pitfalls and struggles they will face in life.

When it comes to self-esteem and our kids, I have become convinced of three things: first, that the truly happy and healthy kids in this world are not necessarily those with fewer struggles; nor are they those with the greatest opportunities. The healthiest and greatest kids are those who know how to deal effectively with life's struggles. What lies at the core of our kids' ability to cope and deal well with "life's curve balls" is a strong sense of their own value and worth-a healthy and well-balanced self-esteem.
Secondly, I am convinced that our kids actually deserve to feel good about them selves. But the basis for their self esteem must not be how pretty or handsome they are and their self worth must not even be based on the fact that they are intelligent. Our kids deserve to feel good about them selves not because of the designer clothes they may wear, or even because they have somehow managed to live up to our expectations.

Our kids deserve to feel good about them selves simply because they are-just because they exist. This does not mean that when they blow it, our feelings of disappointment or being mad-or even our being hurt from time to time-are not understandable. These negative responses from us-or even from them selves-are indeed at times inevitable and even appropriate. Such occasional negative responses from us must not however, break their spirit, or in any way take away from their feeling the value and worth that is theirs just because they are.

The third conviction I have is this: how our kids' view them selves is designed. It doesn't just happen, it's not genetically predetermined, and it's not luck of the draw. It's learned, and in large part, it is learned through us and our efforts to design how it is they grow up feeling about them selves. This is just one way that we are a vehicle for shaping our kids.

How we shape and influence their self-esteem
Our influence in how our kids value them selves comes through our interactions with them and our messages to them about how we view and value them. Most often the messages we send to our kids are subtle and can even be subconscious at times. But nonetheless, our messages to them help shape their view of themselves over a period of time.

Several years ago, I had the opportunity to observe the parenting skills of a mom and dad who had an office next to mine. During the time that I knew them both, their son would often spend time in their office after school and on the weekends. Every time he came, I became increasingly impressed with how they talked with their 10 year old son, how they would respond to him and his questions, how they would discipline him, and how they would treat him with healthy respect and equality, just as they expected from him.

I have seldom made it a habit to comment and respond to the parenting skills of those people around me. I have always assumed that if anyone wanted my opinion, they would ask for it. In this case, however, I decided that this very impressive mom and dad would not mind if I told them what a good job I thought they were doing with their son.

After complimenting them on their efforts, the mom smiled and related to me that they have often received comments on their son and his well-balanced nature. Invariably, she related, the comments from others would come in the form of something like, "You are so fortunate to have an easy child”. 
She went on to say that for the longest time the tone of the attempted compliment would irritate her since the implication was most often that their successes were due in large part to luck, and that they had given birth to an easy child to raise. One day it occurred to her to respond by smiling and saying, "Thanks. We designed him that way".

A point well taken since in fact they had designed him to be an "easy child". Certainly genetics, predisposition and other factors came into play but nonetheless, their efforts played a large part in designing the young boy he so far had become.

PARENTING WITH AN ATTITUDE is about how we parents can give our kids the messages that will help them grow up to be adults who have a healthy view of their value and worth. This task of raising great kids who grow up to be adults who value themselves is not an easy one for any of us, and there are no guarantees since our influence-while incredibly strong and significant-is only one factor in designing how they develop and grow. How our kids evolve and mature is not completely in our hands. Other factors from genetic predisposition to peer pressures do enter into the mix of influences too.
And it is important to make this point as we begin as well. As they grow, our kids must take responsibility for their actions and their choices. They are not solely the product of the mistakes we will make any more than they are the product of the successes we will have as their parents. Rather, our kids are more a product of how they choose to respond to both our successes and to our failures. 

However, since we are the first influence in their lives, and during their early years when they are so extremely moldable by messages they hear, observations they make, and the experiences they have, we are given an important head start on all the other influences that will soon bombard them. I wrote this book to help insure that your impact on your children is positive and constructive, and that your early influence continues throughout their lifetime.

Our kids don’t need perfect parents
As I wrote my ideas about how to raise great and healthy kids, I was confronted more than once by my own imperfections as a parent. At times it was painful recalling the flaws in my own efforts to be a successful parent. But then over and over I was reminded of how absolutely great (not perfect, but great) our two daughters, Ashley and Allyson, have turned out in spite of our shortcomings and mistakes Joan and I made. I think this is because we were always working hard to to put into practice the principles you will consider in my book.

So I encourage you to set aside any perfectionist tendencies you might have and remember as you read that your kids simply do not need perfect parents. What they do need are parents who love them, and who consistently try to be on the right track in their efforts to raise them. I hope that my book will help you accomplish this very difficult but exciting task.

Following each chapter in the book you will find several discussion questions that are designed to further assist you in evaluating the parenting attitudes you have about and toward your kids.

Happy Parenting!

Ed Wimberly, Ph.D.